As many of you know, I have recently moved to Arizona. When I first moved here, I was living in *
Asem. I came to
Asem from Philadelphia, and with that move, I thought that I had left behind all of my memories of thugs, gangsters, and Mafia excitement, but I was so wrong.
For the most part
Asem is made up of RV retirement communities - like the one pictured at the left.
Asem, AZ is innocent enough. Well, that's what I thought for about three or four months until I started to figure out the truth.
Okay...Enough introduction and set-up. Here's the
Nosliw Theory - When someone from the Mafia works with the FBI (or similar), usually, they set them up in the witness protection program. I've never really considered
where these Sammy-the-Bull types end up. I guess I figured the government just sent them off to places like Indiana. Anyways. The truth is - When a Mafia informant receives witness protection, they are given the new name of *
Nosliw, they are told that they are living in
Asem, Arizona, and that they are Mormon.
I know that this sounds like a hard to bullet to take, but here's my proof.
When I moved to
Asem, and I started attending church, I was noticing something very interesting. There were two families in the ward with the name *
Nosliw, and there was something about both families that just caused me to pause and ponder, yet I could not make the connection.
First we have *Brother (We'll call him "Paulie")
Nosliw. (Imagine a dude who looks a lot like Richard
Castellano - on the right). Paulie is a hefty man. Every week, he wears sunglasses into church. He wears a white shirt, no tie, black sweater, and black suit - with black
velcro-
ish shoes. I'm not sure that anyone has ever seen him say more than "How ya
doin'?" His wife wears a purple
mumu every week. She has jet black hair that is about shoulder length and curled at the ends. She doesn't look like much, but she makes the best red sauce and meatballs in the
entire world. Oh, and Brother
Nosliw drives a cement truck.
We also have Brother
Nosliw (let's call him "Tony"). He is the more
debonair type. He is a shorter man, and he's quite thin. Every week he looks sharper than he did the week before. He wears three-piece, pin-stripe suits. And he's so charming. His wife - although, like him, getting on in years, is beautiful.
What is the secret of these Italian women? You wonder (instinctively you know she's Italian even though her last name doesn't indicate her lineage as such). Tony's hair is always hair-sprayed and blown-dry to perfection. He has an emerald pinkie ring. He talks a lot, but not too much, He's funny, but not too charming, and he's wise, but not too academic.
At first, there seems to be little in common between the two, and I never really made the connection - until one afternoon in Choir practice. As you may have guessed, Brother "Tony"
Nosliw attends choir. He has a beautiful baritone voice, and attends choir weekly. He's always punctual and keeps the
chorister on task.
One week, the chorister was lamenting that we didn't have enough participation from the rest of the congregation. She urged those of us who were in attendance to please encourage others to come to choir, too. She even offered to make brownies. "Tell them I'll bribe them with treats!" she implored.
Without skipping a beat, Brother
Nosliw injected, "No, Tell them that if they don't come, I'll break their knees." I turned around, excitedly, and he was just going through his choir papers and songs - nonchalantly.
That's when it all hit me, Paulie
Nosliw: ex-mafia - the brawn - the muscle. Tony
Nosliw: ex-mafia - the brain - the boss. That's when I realized they, after informing the FBI of a competing family, were told, "
Ok...We'll protect you - you're moving to
Asem, AZ, your new names are Paul and Anita (or Anthony and Carmela)
Nosliw, and
you're Mormon. That's when I realized: Arizona is what happens to the rats.
Someone joked, "Yeah, tell them the Mormon Mafia will get them if they don't come." He just said, "We gonna start singing now, or what?"
It was probably the best day of my life.
*Names and locations have been changed to protect the innocent.
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